Jay's Story: Lesbians and Female Safety

Lesbians, as deserving members of the human community, should unequivocally anticipate and demand an equal measure of safety and respect, de...

Lesbians, as deserving members of the human community, should unequivocally anticipate and demand an equal measure of safety and respect, devoid of any exceptions or compromises. 

Over the years, I've served as an advocate for many women or adolescent girls who were lesbian, bisexual, or asexual.  I've also served alongside these women in a professional capacity.  One thing I know is that these women, like minoritized women, often have been pushed aside and told that they have no right to speak on issues related to:

• reproductive rights
• female safety
• women's rights 

Sometimes someone will say:

"Well you look like a man."

"Aren't you the man in the relationship anyway?"

"You aren't having children, right?"

"Someone might mistake you for a man anyway."

"Excuse me sir."

In much the same way they will say ignorant, racist, and bigoted things about Black, Muslim, Jewish, Asian, & Latina women.  All insults, stereotypes, and weaponized ignorance are meant to divorce females from our God-given birthright to speak on issues that directly impact our lives.  

But if females do not speak on 

• female safety, 
• female rights, 
• female opportunities

-there will not be a chorus of voices that will. 

Masculine-presenting females have every right to speak up about female safety, reproductive rights etc. 

Feminine or Female?

One of the things that I despise is when people-women and males alike- try to silence lesbians who speak up for women and girls by suggesting: "Well you are not really all that feminine yourself."

Feminine or not, lesbians and bisexual women face the same risks to their safety that all other females do. 

Ditto for: the equal pay gap, and women's health (including endometriosis, PCOS, fibroids, adenomyosis, immune disorders, pain disorders etc.)

Lesbians and Sexual Assault

Lesbian and bisexual women experience significantly higher rates of sexual assault and rape compared with heterosexual women.

We still have no idea if this has to do with orientation. For example, we know that males engage in what they consider "corrective rape" with women who they know have no romantic or intimate interest in males.  

I will note here that this is yet another reason that advocates for women and girls have been pushing to maintain the distinction along sex-based biological lines in research. As I was searching for statistics for this post, there were so many organizations' stats that I had to reject because they .....just don't seem to know what they are talking about anymore.  They speak fluent misogyny these days. 

There are still so many unanswered questions around social problems that bring harm to women and girls. We require clarity to solve these problems. 

When *Jay came to me seeking support for sexual assault she was shattered on so many levels. Jay was openly gay and had been for much of her life.  Her Black church-going family was very much aware. 

While her family accepted her, she did not always feel accepted by some of the people in the smaller social groups they belonged to.  That pushed Jay to spend more time outside of the family home and around some of the guys she grew up with. Young men from the neighborhood that she grew up playing sports with.  She thought she was safe.

I don't think that she expected her pants and baggy sweats to protect her from rape, but she talked about how she truly believed that the guys that she was hanging with "wouldn't do her that way."

At the time, she was shocked they even saw her like she had heard them discuss other women. Like a woman. They always treated her like a guy. Like one of them. Maybe not a brother but a cousin.

She never saw any signs they saw her as someone that they would or even could manipulate?  Assault? Attack? Rob?

She really believed that she was safe among these men.  She found herself going back over gatherings and conversations trying to track down how long they knew that they would do what they did to her.  Over and over again. 

Advocacy

I believe in my soul that healing journeys are sacred. So, I was always honored to meet Survivors at the moment I met them on their healing journey.  Jay needed to be heard. I listened. Intently. 

When it was my turn to speak, I spoke to haters taking up too much space in her head.  She was not at fault for what those people pretending to be her 'friends' did to her. 

She was not "stupid". 

She was not "dumb".  

She did not deserve it.

What she was thinking and feeling was actually a normal response to a horrific, torturous, and painful experience.  She was betrayed by a group of people that she grew up with and for that, I told her that I was very sorry. 

I told Jay that it was possible to heal. She could do it. It would not be easy.  It would be challenging. But she could get to a place where she would begin to feel healthier than she did that day.  

I provided her with a referral to a licensed therapist that I  believed might be a good fit for her.  Jay and I talked for a few more weeks until she grew comfortable with her new therapist. 

Lesbians, as deserving members of the human community, should unequivocally anticipate and demand an equal measure of safety and respect, devoid of any exceptions or compromises. 

 Wherever she is, I pray that Jay is speaking up for herself, her rights, her safety, and thriving!

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