What About Your Friends and Domestic Violence: RIP to the Courageous Tyshika Askins

Eye-Opening Conversations  So what is a friend to do when another friend is in a violent relationship?  How far should she go? Observing con...

Eye-Opening Conversations

 So what is a friend to do when another friend is in a violent relationship?  How far should she go?

Observing conversations around domestic violence & how friends of women who are victims struggle to navigate such terror. 

ALL of the blame lies with the males who chose to be violent & leave the victim & everyone around her in turmoil, chaos, & fear.

Though a couple of my colleague/friend crew includes a few different males who were injured while protecting a female friend or loved one, I understand that not everyone can be that type of friend. 

Not everyone can choose to be "ride or die" with their friends who are in violent relationships.

Through my advocacy journey, I've met:

• women with children who could not take that risk.  
• women with senior relatives depending on their survival.
• women with disabled siblings and relatives depending on them to provide a home free of danger.

• women with their own trauma who could not mentally afford to go back into dark spaces in their minds.
• women who were terrified of what this violent male could do to them. 

Most women seemed to understand when women told stories of having to make the difficult decision to put themselves first.  

I also read the social media posts from mostly males criticizing women for "not being loyal".  The ones that neglected to hold males accountable for committing violence in the first place. 

As usual, women are expected to put on capes and come riding in to save the day and straighten up the messes that males make.  Males could choose to take "no" for an answer and go on about their way.  

Collectively, we can make this the bottom line. The standard. The default setting. The only way to go. 

But, here we are.......

Keep in mind, that women have always been the people in the community who offer a safe refuge from violence where no sex or other "favors" are expected. 

We can blame women for having the good sense to be afraid or we can admit that there is a problem. The problem is no one is effectively dealing with male violence against women and children and we must fix that. 

Stories like Tyshika Adkins are very real: 

(sometimes credited as Tyshika Askins)

In 2004, Tyshika was murdered in Maryland by Richard Blanks.  Richard Blanks showed up at Tyshika's apartment where she lived with her toddler son looking for the location of Tyshika's dear friend Lisa, his ex-girlfriend. 

When Tyshika would not give him that information, he murdered her.  Fortunately, Tyshika's son was with his father that weekend. 

Daily Crime: Tyshika Askins

It is easy for people, especially some males to declare what they would do.  The problem is that a rejected violent male is an extremely dangerous and unpredictable creature. 

WE NEED More Tools

More needs to be done to expand the minds of judges and law enforcement.  Violent males often make threats against others in the victim's circle.  

Including:

• showing up at her best friend's children's school
• threatening to kill her father (her disabled father)
• threatening  her friends by showing them his gun
• showing up at her friend's apartment.

Tyshika Askins was the best of us.

I pray that we as a society can raise ourselves to her level of courage and bravery and stand against violence together. 

I approach these conversations with friends of the victim in much the same way that I approach conversations with victims.  I leave the decision up to the individual knowing full well that they are the ones who must live with that choice, not me.  People typically know what their situations are and what they can handle.  

Again, we can blame women for rightfully being afraid or we can admit that there is a problem with male violence against women and children and fix it.