Women, Tain’t Nobody’s Business Who You Choose to Love

What White People Miss about Rape Culture’s Relationship to Black Culture
#FGM in the USA: Not Banned in All 50
It’s Anti-Black to Side Up with People Raping Community Members

Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.2

There’s a worrying trend that has been running throughout social media platforms for a long time. It happens to be a reflection of real-life social dynamics.

It hasn’t been all that long that women have had this much freedom to live their lives as they see fit. Women’s choices were limited.

Surviving Abuse Daily: Untold Stories of American Women’s Fight For Reproductive Justice

 

Even in America, how a woman lived her life was often determined by her family and then her husband (typically approved by her family).

I think people are still in the process of accepting that a woman can live her life, and make every decision about her life, as she sees fit.

Media Influence

Fairy tales, movies, books, and media will have you believing that love combinations aren’t that complicated.

Anyone can have a safe, healthy, loving relationship with anyone else.

A popular plot device/trope in nonfiction is the girl who ends up living happily ever after with the man that she first rejected or didn’t like. Women don’t know what’s good for them. They have to be persuaded and encouraged to see that *John was the right person for her all along.

That’s fiction. All of it.

In real life that does happen sometimes.

Also, in real life, we hope that all girls/women are empowered to trust their gut/intuition.

We hope that society makes room for all girls/women to connect with the people that they choose to connect with based on their own personal wants, needs, desires, and beliefs.

 

Breaking Boundaries

1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner. Data is unavailable on male victims.1

 

The real truth is it ain’t none of your business why a girl/woman will not date you.

Women have been trying to tell you this since Bessie Smith sang her famous song in 1923. Icon Billie Holiday made the song famous again in the 1950’s.

No one is entitled to an intimate relationship with any woman. 

This trend of trying to persuade women/girls about their dating preferences is troubling. It’s very authoritarian to decide that girls/women must date a certain demographic or be labeled as someone who hates that demographic.

This reaction brings up thoughts about rape culture/common rape tactics that predators put in place to get what they want and avoid rejection.

Tactics……

Grooming means someone is trying to wear you down until they persuade you to go along with what they want.  They may use your empathy and goodwill against you. Some people give in because they feel guilty, ashamed, or afraid.

“You wouldn’t want me to be sad would you?”

“You wouldn’t want to hurt my feelings would you?”

 

Coercion is more overt

“If you don’t say you want to date another woman you’re homophobic?

What’s wrong with dating a woman? Are you homophobic?

………..Sounds too much like the workplace sexual harassment that women often deal with.

“If you don’t have sex with me, I don’t know if I can give you a good evaluation.”

“If you don’t want to date me, I’ll tell everyone……”

Ex:  A woman who only dates women doesn’t necessarily hate men. (This is a centuries-old myth that remains punishable by death.)

People who are violent and predatory think exactly this way.

“Mind your business.”   “It’s my choice.”    “It’s my right” ……..are foreign concepts to these folks. Girls/Women aren’t entitled to say these things. “Who does she think she is?”

*John: “If *Jane doesn’t do/think/act/believe the way that I think that she should, I can kill her.require obedience to some “rules of dating” and these are common tactics used by predators.

Both coercion and grooming tactics are predatory in nature and serve only to weaken girls/women’s boundaries. If a girl/woman says “no” that should be the end of that.

 

A woman may deny a person intimacy for any of the following reasons:

 

Your breath stinks

*Alicia

A friend of mine named *Alicia tells a story about a time that she was dating a guy with bad breath.

Alicia: “I liked him but I couldn’t stand his breath.

I talked to one of my Auntie’s about it. It surprised me but she was irritated. With me!”

Auntie: “How can you turn away a nice young man because you don’t like the way his breath smells.  He could have a serious medical issue or something.  That could be your husband.”

Alicia: “I thought about what she said. My Auntie lived in a different time when women had to make relationship decisions under some rough circumstances.

In the end, I decided that it was my choice. If I liked him that much, we would have had a conversation about it. I’m not one to bite my tongue. I think, I just didn’t think that we were right for each other and his breath was just the most obvious thing that I focused on.”

 

cont…….

You are too old for me

You are too young for me

You are too silly for me

You are not intelligent enough for me

You are too intellectual/logical for me

You have no sense of humor

You are too silly for me

You are too short for me

You are too tall for me

You are not attractive

You are too attractive

You are too muscular for me

You are thin

You are overweight

You are too athletic (she just wants a homebody)

You talk too much for me

You don’t talk enough for me

You live with your mother

You are a Mama’s boy

You hate your own mother

You have an ex that I don’t care for

You are still at war with your ex

You are a little to close to your ex for my comfort

You have a pet cat/s

You have a pet dog/s

You have a pet snake/s

You have a pet bird/s

You are messy

You are too neat

You curse too much for me

You don’t like cursing at all

You smoke…

You don’t smoke…

You look like my father

You look like my brother

You are too negative for me

You are too positive for me

You work too much for me

You are lazy for me

 

 

Perhaps more serious

72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder-suicides are female.8

Social Media Instagram GIF by INTO ACTION

Note:  For some of these more serious deal breakers it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about you, your issue, or the people who may share your plight/issue.

You have a mental illness ……..

Teanna & William

*Teanna called into the hotline because her ex-boyfriend *William was threatening to kill himself if she didn’t come back to him.

Teanna wondered if she was wrong for not wanting to date  William, once she found out that he suffers from chronic depression.  She was afraid and feeling a little guilty.

Further conversation with Teanna revealed that her mother suffered from schizophrenia.  This led to Teanna living with various family members. Unfortunately, one of those family members abused her. It turned out that Teanna just didn’t feel equipped nor able to handle the unknowns that could come with a mental illness. Her childhood experiences left her spent.

 

cont…….

I have a mental illness

I don’t think that you can handle my health issues.

You are a different race/culture

Jessica & Michael

*Jessica was trying to leave an abusive relationship with a person from a different culture.  Though she had reservations she thought that deciding not to go for it with *Michael made her a bigot.

Years later, when she came to need the assistance of a domestic violence advocate, she realized that for her, how she was raised, her own future personal ambitions; were not a parallel match for Michael’s culture.

According to Michael’s culture, a woman doesn’t get to walk away from a marriage that easily. Especially if her husband still wants to work on the marriage. So here she was.

 

cont…….

You are in bad health

You are broke

You have too many children

You have too many children’s mothers

 

*Shannon

“I just realized I didn’t want to be a part of that kind of family. I read about Kim Porter when she passed away. She seemed to be such a beautiful woman who had the ability to manage a lot of different and complicated relationship. Angelic.

For me, with the kind of daddy that I have, that set up doesn’t work. I already know he wouldn’t approve and I love my daddy.

I’m a daddy’s girl.”

cont……

You are a recovering addict

You served time in prison

You engage in criminal activities

You aren’t educated

You think you are her father

You can’t keep secrets

You secretly hate women

You are violent

You have a short temper

You have an anger control problem

You will not take “no” for an answer

*Tina

I’m embarrassed to even talk about this. But my girlfriend is into some things I’m not into. I say “no” but she doesn’t stop.

Is it rape if she’s your girlfriend?

Is that even such a thing?”

 

cont…….

You are substance dependent

Your hygiene is bad

You drive recklessly

You have a simmering anger against women

You do/don’t want to have children

You do/don’t want to get married

You speak about women in derogatory ways

You don’t share the same interests

You are too clingy for me

You are too emotionally distant for me

You don’t fully respect women

You refuse to accept her family

She doesn’t like your family

Her family will not accept you

Sometimes she doesn’t like you

Sometimes she doesn’t think you like her

Smart women intimidate you

You are too jealous

You are too controlling

She isn’t attracted to you

She doesn’t feel that you are attracted to her

She doesn’t like your body type/parts/size/etc

She feels you don’t like her body type/parts/size/etc.

 

*Coco

He doesn’t like girls with big butts. He says we can get married when “I lose the big a…

Where I’m from guys love this.”

 

cont…..

She feels like you are ‘settling’

She feels like she is ‘settling’

You move too fast for me

You date for years without deciding whether or not to  commit

You don’t take care of yourself

You are too much of a health nut

You aren’t the sex/gender/sexual orientation she’s attracted to

You have different religions

You have no religion/atheist/

You don’t attend church

You are a regular church attendee

You are too kinky/sexually explorative

You aren’t open to sexual exploration

You grab/hit/assault

You yell too much

She doesn’t like your job/career

You aren’t concerned about jobs/career

You engage in illegal activities

You seem too innocent/”judgy”

You don’t get along with my kids

I don’t get along with your kids

She doesn’t like your close friends

You don’t want her to have close friends

He doesn’t support my goals

He doesn’t have goals

This isn’t the right time for me

No reason whatsoever. I just don’t want to.

 

There is an endless number of reasons that a woman may not date/engage in sexual activities/marry you.

They don’t make her a bad person. They are not proof that she is ableist, homophobic, transphobic, racist, bigoted, elitist, etc.

Actually, just because someone dates you doesn’t mean that they aren’t ableist, homophobic, transphobic, racist, bigoted, elitist, etc.

A white man who marries a Black woman isn’t necessarily a non-racist.

A person who marries a woman with physical limitations can be ableist.

A person who dates a trans woman can be transphobic.

Trans women have been killed by men who believed that she didn’t have the “right” to tell him no because……(insert vicious insults)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_killed_for_being_transgender#2014

 

 

Points to Remember……

  • motionartsmedia woman women amazing awesome GIFAny time, and every time that a woman makes a choice about whether or not to be intimate/romantic with someone, she has to consider her safety. She has so much more to think about than love and happiness. 

  • A woman must consider whether or not she believes that this relationship will kill her.  ……….1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases, etc.2

  • The boundary lines that you surrender in favor of being ‘accommodating’ are not always easily recoverable. #ProtectYou

  • Find ppl U don’t have to {convince/persuade/cross examine} into loving you.

  • Remember, “She won’t date me so, that makes her

(insert ‘name/slur/or accusation‘)”  is a common tactic sexual predators use for grooming victims to loosen their firm stances and rejected men who kill women use to justify killing a woman.

  • Consent is not just for heterosexual relationships.

  • Consent is applicable to situations/connections where one or more parties are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and/or trans.

  • A woman’s desire to love one person doesn’t mean she “hates” any/all other people. Ex: A Black woman marrying a white man doesn’t necessarily hate Black men; especially if they have given no other evidence of such “hate” beyond marrying a man from another race. 

  • “I don’t want to.” IS the ONLY reason a woman needs not to date you.

  • “I don’t want to.” IS the ONLY reason a woman needs not participate in any sexual activity with you.

  • Ignore people who don’t like that you have a right to make your own choices.

  • Unless you want random people with loads of opinions all up in your business and bedroom, stay out of other people’s business and bedrooms. It’s none of your business.

  • Whoever you are, whatever you look like, whatever you believe, whatever your flaws, afflictions, or challenges- there’s somebody out there who will *never* date someone like you.

AND, there are a lot of people who can’t wait to.  Find your people.

  • You don’t ever need to be concerned about ‘people who won’t date you and what they have against dating you’.

There are plenty of ppl who want to/will embrace you w/ open arms. As a domestic violence advocate, be EXTREMELY thankful that some doors are closed. Pray for locks.

Watch this video on YouTube.

 

 

 

Further Reading

https://theestablishment.co/to-end-rape-culture-we-have-to-stop-vilifying-rejection/index.html

https://www.cbs.nl/en-gb/news/2018/51/fewer-women-than-men-fall-victim-to-violence

 

https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS

 

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

 

https://www.essence.com/news/9-things-american-women-take-for-granted/

When it is Finally About You, Choose YOU (video)

 

 

 

Surviving Abuse Daily: Untold Stories of American Women’s Fight For Reproductive Justice

7 ways that women are oppressed without knowing it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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