Male Survivors of Rape Get Advice from a Survivor Who’s Healed | Iyanla: Fix My Life | OWN

- You know, I think that what happens to very, very smart, accomplished men is that we think we're smarter than the process. True. So then we decide,

– You know, I think that what happens to very, very smart, accomplished men is that we think we’re smarter than the process. True. So then we decide, OK, I know this is the direction I need to go, but I’m going try this way over here, and that way, and up and down, and left and right, and everything we possibly can to keep us from going and walking through what we’re afraid of. So I’m stuck. And I’m going to tell you where I’m stuck. It is hard for me to walk away from sex. What happens is, when we were in our youth, at the time when we were abused, and we weren’t getting at home whatever it was that we were missing, the sex replaced what that was. Yep. But it also brought with it shame, and embarrassment, and all that other stuff. So then every time you have sex, it is to soothe that which you missed back then, because you got up, and wiped off, and pretended like the abuse didn’t happen. And then started living a lie. You never resolved this back here.

So you’re going through life thinking and operating like that’s where your value is. OK. So when Iyanla comes in here and starts– that’s where you need to start working. That’s your spot. I know. WOMAN (VOICEOVER): For Dennis, and for all the men, hearing these truths from Ray, who has done his work, is an important step toward reclaiming themselves and their power. This is the permission many of them need to speak their pain. I do sometimes feel like my life is more valuable to other people than it is to myself. You know, walking away from abuse at 12 and 14 and feeling like the best thing you can do is just let it happen because you’re used to it, because you’re used to being violated, it’s like watching the scenes in Precious and how she transports herself into another scene.

RAY: Right. – That was me. I’m like, just get it over with. You know, at first I was scared, at first I was nervous, and now I was like, OK, I know what this is going to be, let me think. OK, when you’re done and when the white stuff comes, I know I’m free– RAY: It’s over. –for at least another day. So if you went through the gamut of all of the negative things that you think of yourself, what if they’re not true as opposed to just living as though they are? That sends you into a much different space– It does. –than just accepting.

You just have to own your power enough to do that every single time the negative thought comes. So my question to you– well, my point to all of you is this, when you go all the way there and stay there until you’re done, you don’t have to go there anymore. So it makes more sense to open yourself up and let yourself go completely there so that then you don’t have to do it anymore..

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With over 24 years of service, Tonya GJ Prince is a subject matter expert (SME) in domestic violence and sexual violence. She helps people heal, prevent, and overcome domestic and sexual violence.

She has founded several projects designed to help others to heal, prevent, and overcome both domestic and sexual violence including;,, &

Tonya is an author, activist, advocate, Survivor, speaker, counselor, & mentor.
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